White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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