What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
