Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
