Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
