I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
