Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
