the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Say something about gay babies.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
