I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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