I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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