quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
