ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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