Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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