either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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