My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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