Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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