im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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