I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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