She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
