omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
