Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
