Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
