In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
