i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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