During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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