I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
