I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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