well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
