My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
