At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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