so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
