there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
