dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize