so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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