maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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