Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
