nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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