i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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