at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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