I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We got so high we made milksteak
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
