need another drink. this is the easiest way
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
