Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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