My liver just broke up with me...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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