STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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