Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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