I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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