bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize