Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize