Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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