she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
