guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
