Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
