Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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