Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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