Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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