i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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